buttman nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah buttman

proctolady

Ok, here we go. As you are probably more than aware, I have touched (very lightly of course) on the subject of butts before, usually mine because I think my wife would complain if I touched anybody elses.

Don't worry, I will get back to life in France pretty soon, although of course this is my life,  Even I can't wait to remember the tractor bike episode. So if nothing else happens interesting tomorrow I will restart then.

So, about two Christmas's ago, whilst my mother in law was visiting, my christmas present was an arse like you see on those monkeys on telly, (thanks again God). Jeez, I must have been a bastard in my previous life !!!! So, to the emergency on Boxing Day, The GP's eyes had already popped out when he looked, I had to take his word for it as I couldn't see properly.

Accident and Emergency

What's up with you then?

If you read the note I've just given you from the doctor you might know.

Ah yes, piles, that must be painful, if you would just like to sit on this hard plastic chair for two hours, then the doctor will see you.
Good afternoon Mr Pollard, what's up with you then ?
Take a look at these doc.
Wow, just wait there a mo, I'll get the proper doctor.
Good afternoon Mr Pollard, what's up with you then ?
Take a look at these doc.
Wow, I'll slip on these rubber gloves.

less is more, so I've been told, so I'll stop there, needless to say I think I made an impression in the ceiling rested for an hour or two, before being very gingerly driven home by my darling wife.

I think for the time being, I will let my butt rest, so to speak, there will be more, so be warned, that is not the end of my sorry end. But.................

Yesterday must have been National car accident day here in France, although I must have missed all the advertising for it so I didn't actually get to crash into anything ! I did manage to see three serious incidents though, in the first half an hour of my journey to Bergerac. The first guy must have misread the advertising cos it was an enormous articulated lorry that had managed to put all his wheels on one side down a ditch, it was precariously balanced at a rather acute angle with the wheels on the other side desperately trying with all their might to hold on to the road surface, second two cars really were in the spirit of the day and written both cars off completely at a set of traffic lights, mark you it does't take much to write of some of these plastic and baked bean built cars nowadays does it ?
Last looked more serious between a car and motorbike, luckily all the people in all the incidents were standing up at the side of the road, nobody seemed to be injured, but one has to wonder on a day that was bright, sunny, warm with good visibility what on earth is going on.

here's a picture of my car

I actually have driven that from where I live here in France to England,!!!!! so far about 4 times, one time with a Peugeot diesel engine in the back (looked a bit like Concorde taking off) sloooooooooow but sure, that's my motto.

I'll be back soon, thanks for reading

a whole afternoon at the doctors

comment ca va ?

I sort of put to the back of my tiny mind the fact that an ambulance car was arriving this afternoon at about 4.45 to whisk me off down very tiny roads at 80mph, for an hour, for an appointment with my cancer guy, well, who wouldn't want to put that to the back of their minds?.

Let me just explain, not only just here in France, but I think people in general don't always say what they mean, or at least that is what I think, and as such I try and interpret by reading body language and eye contact what they really meant to say and of course, I don't say what I think all the time either sooooooo the following conversations are an interpretation of what I think the doctor was meaning to say, and what I thought I was thinking but didn't always say either.

ok, car is here, quickly go for a pee, (that makes 20 today) get in the car, lady driver so lots of blah blah blah, managed to triple park outside the clinic, after having stopped halfway for a pee, I have a need to go again as I enter the building, that's good I'm thinking there is a loo just inside the door, I give my papers to the ambulance driver to sign me in as I nip smartly into the loo and lock the door, PHEW, just in time. 

Not quite sure who manufactured the toilet door lock but, they need designers badly if you fancy a job, stuck fast. Turn right, left, push, pull I knew somehow I wasn't getting out of there in a hurry. I was trying frantically to recall what I had read about what to do if you get locked in a French toilet, but nothing immediately sprang to mind !!!!! The loo was quite small so I thought that if I put my back up against the wall and my feet on the door I might be able to break the door open, sadly I think it had been built to resist the English invasion so I sat on the loo instead, waiting. Not long, voices, French, panic,

First conversation.............

Mr Pollard, are you ok?

No, I am stuck in the ruddy toilet

Have you tried turning the lock, that usually works

Yep, been there, done that

Try again, so I can here you trying

Ok, still wont budge

I'll get the secretary

Oh good, perhaps she can open it with her nail file

Hello Mr Pollard, it's the secretary here, are you ok

No I am stuck in the ruddy toilet

Have you tried turning the lock, that usually works

Bugger, a bout of deja vu

I'll get the handyman with his box of tools

Visions of chainsaw appearing through the door, better stand back

I was stuck in there earlier

That was a mans voice, one I hadn't heard earlier

Try turning the lock backwards and forwards loads and loads of times, worked for me

You're looking rather red Mr Pollard, as the door eventually flew open

Yep, and I need another pee, 

Hadn't that man thought it might have been helpful to have told someone abut the problem !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The handyman started dismantling the door, he didn't say a word.

I needn't have tried so hard, I sat in the waiting room another hour and a half before I saw The Man himself.

Second conversation with the man himself (bearing in mind of course that these are not the real words that passed our lips but what we were perhaps meaning or wanted to say to say )

Good afternoon Mr Pollard
Good evening doc

Comment ca va (which kind of means, how are you going. but which I have been reliably informed refers to ancient custom, asking if your friend has been passing any good stools recently (it's a French thing)
Not bad thanks doc, despite the operation you gave me last year.
Are you still weeing yourself still ?
Only when I do things, although I'm alright at night and when I am sitting down.
Did you go to the physiotherapist and do the exercises I gave the prescription for.
Yep, but I had to stop halfway through the second lot of 20.
So you did 30 sessions, why didn't you complete the last course?
Cos I had a prolapse of hemorrhoids, I think it was probably due to the digit size thing that the physiotherapist shoved and left up my botty every time I arrived, I reckon it was the electric current he then switched on that did for me though. (this particular machine, which I think was invented by a Frenchman, is coupled to a computer screen that you can see, and the little blob on the screen reacts every time you clench your sphincter muscle you have to follow the trace on the screen which moves up and down and across the screen, a bit like the Tour de France crossing the Alps, only with you arse muscles. I reckon the inventors should sell the game to WII Fit, I have a mental picture of mum, dad,gran, grandad and auntie Florie all on the settee clenching frantically to win the yellow jersey). Doesn't bear thinking about does it?
Don't be silly, it's because of your operation.
Why didn't you warn me.
 Because most french people don't want to know, they are quite happy with two bags of pills, but don't worry I'll give you a prescription for 15 more sessions of clenching.
Ta.
Do you wee a lot?
About every half hour
Um did you take the pills I gave you?
Some, they made me very sleepy, tired and sick.
I'll give you some different ones then, 4grms, 3 times a day and if they don't work take 8grms, 3 times a day, that will make you tired and you will wee less.
Thanks doc. can I have some Viagra? John Thomas seems to be on strike, a bit like the last turkey in the shop, pubes have grown back though.
No, I gave you the needles and syringes just inject yourself like all the other frenchmen do, and I don't think it will help the piles I gave you either.
Jeez doc, I cant call out the nurse every time I want an erection.
Do it yourself.
If you think I'm going to stick needles into my John Thomas, you got another think coming.
Oh, how are the cancer markers by the way.
Negative at the moment ta.
That's good, blood tests every 6 months now and I will see you in a year.

That was basically the end of the consultation, but you can't go now, as he dons his headphones with a little microphone attached (the first time he did this, I thought he was going to give me a little song) he starts to talk to his computer, judging be the number of times he had to hit his keyboard, I guess it didn't quite understand all that he was saying. He was dictating a letter to my GP. I think the computer program was probably written by the same people who do the translating programs, gobbledegook.com
I just had to go to wee once more, don't lock the door this time, and see the secretary to collect my GP letter, and to make the next appointment. They don't do a year ahead, so as hopefully I may not have to return for a year I wished her a happy Easter, Christmas and new year, she smiled, the french do have a sense of humour.

The episode brings to mind the rather delightful song, by Willie Rushton,

When you're feeling glum stick a finger up your bum,
When your feeling grotty stick a digit up your botty..........and so on.

Thanks to Private eye.

life never runs smoothly

in the beginning

ok, so in the beginning, in Horsley Woodhouse, in Derbyshire, England, after what I can see now, was a sort of nervous breakdown thing, working as a potter in my own business, I sought an escape and decided that the very thing for me would be to buy the biggest  (and cheapest) motorbike I could lay my hands on. Luckily I had a sailing companion  who was in the business and he steered me towards a monster sitting in the corner of his garage. Talk about love at first sight, big and black and not one of those new fangled monstrosities, a proper bike. Handing over my cash, after a rather hair raising test drive up the Dronfield bypass I wheeled my Yamaha XS1100S out of his workshop (after it's service) and blasted off back home. What an experience, after my last bike (Honda 400) about 20yrs before, this was a different kettle of fish altogether, IT COULD PULL UP TREE TRUNKS, I do believe that it was the Japanese  trying to make a foray into the then and now unknown world of two wheeled tractors domination, I kid you not.

But.......... what am I to do with my new acquisition, where am I going to go, what new horizons are going to open up before me, I hadn't got a bloody clue.!!!!!!!

 I wrote that first bit yesterday, but things being what they are here, in deepest France, I just didn't have time to post, what actually happened yesterday apres midi, which was a first off for me, I will start writing about straight away before I forget in the hopes I will post later.

got to begin somewhere

getting started.

can't actually remember who it was who suggested I should start a blog, but I thought I probably might, even though I haven't got a clue how the hell to do it, or more importantly what on earth should be in it. BUT, I did read a blog and book the other week called vic's big walk, written by a chap, who walked from the Pyrenees to the north of England in 70 days when he was 70 yrs old,which inspired me to put digit (singular) to keyboard and come up with something or other.
Sooooooooooooooo here we go. 

On second thoughts, I am probably doing this for myself, although perhaps other people might want to follow, and perhaps for my children, who might want to let their children read it in years to come, and so on. I wish the Internet had been invented when my dad was young, I have photos of course, but to have shared his thoughts and feelings of life since 1910 would have been wonderful.

We have lived in France now for nearly 14 yrs and have just about managed to grasp the idea of how everything works, or rather, how everything should work except of course, those things that don't work and never will, which I am sure you will read about later. I fully intend that this blog will be extremely diverse, my personal views I am afraid on such subjects as France, bicycles, model boats aeroplanes and trains, gardening, photography (when I can afford a new camera ) happy holiday snaps, of which there may be a few, once my wife has shown me how to publish pictures on the internet, I am old school, still taking 35mm photos on my Olympus 101. I used to just love watching the photos developing in the dark room and probably still would if it was still set up, but for this kind of thing, I think I have to go digital, heaven forbid !!!!!

 This is a message to my wife 
hello dear, if you are reading this, yes I fully intend to finish the bathroom and to finish all the model boats I have started and I will build the tricycle for myself which I have been going on about for so long and for any body else that is interested I will put the posts on here for you to follow also.
Well, that's about it for now, publish and be damned!!

not quite, didn't think you were getting away with it so easily did you ? when my botty is better, I might be putting it gently on my bike saddle and going somewhere, don't know where, but I will post with pics, probably in France cos it's nice to cycle here.